BETTER THAN AWESOME

2011-04-24T22:44:00.001-07:00

i'm at tumblr. :)

2011-04-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

its been nearly 4 months now since the last time i actually sat down to blog.

iphone has official destroyed my life, i now have this incessant need to be always doing/looking/browsing something whenever there is a gap time of more than 2 mins. (im not exaggerating) gone are the days i can just stare into space while waiting for the bus without feel something is missing or i ought to be doing something. and i now suffer from attention deficit too. i need to be entertained! i can't read a book without feeling bored by the plain text layout. i feel the need to be looking at bright colors, animations, fresh images all the time! omg. when i have a child, he/she will never be able to lay hands on electronic games before the age of 7! (sorry kid for robbing you of a virtual childhood, but trust me, like the tiger mum, you'll grow up to thank me for it. because unlike your peers, you will have a LIFE.)

so i went from me want bamboo to bakery story to restuarant city to lots of blogshopping to ipan to hotel dash and sally spa and now i am going to restrain myself by NOT downloading chocolatier (full version). it is going to eat up the rest of my 24th year on earth.

so, hello world im 24 this year. honestly it sounds super old. and i am very sad to have turned into this adult age, and i hardly feel like im a grown responsible adult. i feel more like a junior (adult) trying to act adult in front of real adults. wth. it feels like ive passed my prime age of 19, when roses were red and violets are blue and i was happy and so were you. (ok, i am happy now, but you geddit, i was YOUNG!) now im just old la. and i hate it! y cant we not grow old???!?! i cannot CANNOT grasp the concept of aging. my parents are suppose to always look like my parents (you mean they were young once??) omg, yes, after 24 years of living, i cannot imagine my grandma as a young dainty lady. to me, she will always and will always be a grandma in my eyes - old. how can time twist and turn and make me the old one now?? so unfair!

when i die and go to heaven, will i be young again? but wht if i have grandchildren?? will they be able to recognise me?? some shit thots that i am having here. wth.

ok, im happy working at pwc if you havent already known, i will gladly announce it now as i pass my 3 months mark in the company and i am absolutely blessed to be with this super bunch of people! (I MEAN IT!) they are lovely and friendly and nice people to be ard with, uberly blessed, thank you J! :))

so, you see, other than trying to grapple with my age, i am a perfectly happy AND sane person.

i did have more thoughts to share other than the sad fact of my age. but it all flew away at the rage i had with being 24.

im old. yes im old. and i (f) hate it. that i am old now. :( God, save me.

2011-03-12T20:31:00.000-08:00

im clearing out my wardrobe today. not much to blog about, im updating my twitter more. :-) so follow me there! (i revived it after setting it up 2 years back to follow pastor kong) haha. its quicker and easier than blogging.

twitter.com/laughteeeer

ta!

2011-02-07T02:49:00.000-08:00

its been 3 weeks since i last penned anything down here. only at times like these i miss my qwerty keyboard. haha.

the sky is a lovely blue and i am already on my way home. i love knocking off at 530pm. there is a kind of awesomeness about it. haha.

wht has happened (i wonder when i read this 3 years later) in recap for my benefit:
- im back in the corporate world n loving the buzz of rp!
- im on ip4 and absolutely loving it. gosh, emoji is the best tig yet for ip! n bakery story, im addicted!
- bought a long stick angling pony hair blusher brush to replace my small missing one, super! hahaha. i love putting on blusher now!
- blogshopping. awesomeeee! hahaha.
- cny shopping. awesomeeee too!
- im happy. biggest awesomeeee! hahahahaha.

i heart this.

thankful max.

4 weeks to suntec, woohoo!

2011-01-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

the mystery of my missing blusher brush.

it has vanished! serious. i just used it on tuesday when i went to pen my fate, and today when i thot of dolling up just for fun, it is missing from the case! where is it.... :(

so lately i have been trying to thoroughly enjoy orchard road at 3pm. the next time that happens would be mebbe a year later or even longer? whatever it may be, i am enjoying the less busy streets of town and shopping around far east without having to push my way through the crowd. with less than 72 hours to go, i am trying to do what i would miss doing most..would that be shopping at mid-afternoon, wearing crappy casual? no...it is...waking up naturally every morning and enjoy the warm glow in my room as the morning rays stream through my golden curtains, that feeling --> priceless. i must say, it must be the most enjoyable thing to do in life, knowing you dont have to wake up by a certain time when you dont feel like waking up.

my heart is semi-broken, but not to the stage where it felt shattered like what happened with kyung min. but still, pieces of my heart got left behind in different homes ard singapore. i will miss them..

nonetheless, it has been a fab few months, fruitful rewarding and awesomely blessed. and now i cant wait to emerge back into the scene.

watch out world, here i come. :) hoorah!

2011-01-11T07:14:00.000-08:00

THE ATTACK OF THE WINDS!
yesterday during lesson time, i kept smelling durians, and it isnt those strong smelling kind where you know there is definitely durian laying smwhr in the house, so aft a while i decided to ask my student, do you have durian at home? she gave me this very funny smile and said, yes, but i eat alrdy. !!!!!! so i said, stop burping!! and she burst out laughing. next thing i know, 5 minutes later the waft of durian smell came along again! and she giggled nonstop!

right after this tuition, i rushed off to another one, and this time about one hour into the tuition, i suddenly heard this pooo-ed sound! !!!!!!! i looked up and stared at him, and he laugh and laugh and laugh!!! i told him, u also! just now my student kept burping, now you start farting?!! then you knw wht he say? different, burping got sound, next timei fart silently. this one is come suddenly one. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaha, i cldnt stop laughing lah!!!

2011-01-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA! x))) i heart my papa, and my family! we had the awesomest relaxing dinner at neo tiew lane 2. And I tell you, this place is out of the world! time seemed to wind back in time and the buzz of city life somehow managed to slowly dissipate as we drove down the deep dark lanes of lck. after turning several bends, out of the darkness, a string of twinkle lights appeared! And it lead us to the very vibrant resort. it is a real kampong place that is full of oh-biang liveliness that is somehow soothing to my soul! Haha. the chicken running around, the ge-tai stage with singers belting down 70s hokkien hit songs, and people just chillaxing by the prawning pond and enjoying their beer. i love the kind of nostalgic feel there, and how things seem to move on an off-beat pace. i think i left a bit of my heart there. i just might be an oh-biang-loving country girl :p

anys, here is another tale from tuition:

my student wrote the following description in his p6 composition that served as an alarm for me to up my game!

: the dawn broke in a pool of crimson and gold
: he was talking to a man with a mop of raven black hair

there is really such a distinct gap between the good and not so good students.

whilst one kid wrote the amazing description above in his compostion, another kid has so far never failed to make me laugh and want to cry at the composition he writes:

this is a picture composition of a boy falling down an escalator, and this is how his storyline went:

the boy went to the mall to buy shoes and realised he left his wallet at home. as he made his way back home to take his wallet, he fell down the escalator. he was hospitalised for a few weeks, and after he recovered he went back to the shop coz he really wanted that pair of shoes. to his dismay, the shop was gone, and he walked around and saw another pair of shoes that he really liked. the shoes cost too much. so he found a part-time job to earn money, after saving for a few months, he had enough money to buy the shoes. he went back to the shop and bought the shoes, and he was so happy, he lost his balance and fell down the escalator again. luckily this time around, he was not as badly injured.

i burst out laughing after i read it! not out of ridicule, but amusement at his thought process!! and i told him, you are the only student who wrote such a composition for this picture! and he said, really ah? serious? i said, yes. then he say, thats why this is called creative writing!

this same kid wrote another story about how he burnt a cake he wanted to bake for his bro's bday, see how his storyline flowed again:

i was sad that i burnt the cake, and my brother's bday party was abt to start in 1 hour, so i went downstairs to buy a cake instead. a few weeks later, my brother went to the cake shop to buy a cake, and the aunty told him i bought his birthday cake from that shop. my brother was heartbroken when he found out. i said sorry and our relationship went back to normal. one year passed, and it is my brother's bday again. this time i tried baking a cake for him again, but i burnt it again. so i went downstairs and wanted to buy a cake for him, but the shop was closed. so i went back home and hurriedly bake another cake. this time it is a success, and my brother said it was his best bday ever!

i laughed again. and asked, why must all your composition span over a few weeks, months and year?!!! when i recited out his previous escalator compo he also burst out laughing lah! so we sat down and wrote a compo tgt with a storyline that last 1 day.

i really hope i can make my better students better and my not so good students good! God, empower me!!

2011-01-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

i really like the meaning my student found for the word - professional: doing something as a job instead of a hobby to earn money for a livlihood.

is your job a hobby that you turned into an occupation to earn yourself a livlihood?

generally people who pursue the arts are considered professionals - professional dancer, professional singer etc, and if you are like me, you would group them as a bunch of happy people. i used to think my ex-piano teacher was the happiest person on earth coz she gets to do the thing she likes the most all the days of her life, and earn money from doing it.

teaching...is this my newfound hobby that i have turned into a career? hmmm...

2011-01-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

consumerism has really infiltrated every aspect of our living.

i thought i could save as a tutor. so not true.

popular bookstore welcomes me back with open arms, and today i stood infront of the correction tape section for a whole 15 minutes, trying to decide which correction tape works best for me:

here's the run-down of my thought process
1. i want one that is pink
2. but the pink one is not in 5mm tape size.
3. would a 6mm tape or 4mm tape be ok?
4. how about a click version?
5. the normal cap ones r cheaper, but what if im carrying neverfull or lola (my miumiu) and the tape runs inside and defaces the interior of my bags?
6. ok, a click version is better
7. between these 5 click versions, which is better? hmm, which comes with refills? this model looks slimmer.
8. whats this eco-friendly click version?

seriously this is only correction tape!! when i was in school (when i say in school i mean in secondary and below), there were only the toyo, tombow and (my favourite) whipper mr version! how much it has evolved ever since!! (i survived through poly and uni using cutesy hello kitty and muji pens - i didnt want to waste money buying 'real' boring pens.) and when the first ever correction tape was released in the market, it was a big chunky black and white tombow, which cost over $12 then! (i rmb coz i bought it for my sister as a present, coz i thought she might need it during her psle. or was it some other big examination...)

anys, can you believe it, after leaving the store, im still thinking about the new and improved version of the whipper mr that comes in deep pink? i so want to get it.

shit. so much for 2011 being the year of great savings.

i tik the only thing i found out that saved me money is, if you transfer between 2 buses over a short distance, it will cross you 0cents thanks to the new distance fares, as compared if you take 1 bus over that same short distance, it will cost you 20 cents (on transfer). haha. i know, damn aunty. i swear i found out on coincidence, i didnt purposely take 2 buses just to save 20cents. -_-

friday tmr, weekends are reaching but no need for the so called weekend break, coz everyday is happy day! teaching makes me happy, seeing my students do well, and understanding what i am saying brings a smile onmy face, and tuition time seems to fly! days pass by so quickly yet slowly altogether coz with all the gap time i have, i even have the time to cook pasta! (oh, more about my grocery shopping next tym! hahaha)

2011-01-05T07:03:00.000-08:00

i found myself very entertained by this website: kiasuparents.com when i chanced upon it while googling: is nan chiau a good school?

yes, i got another new student and he is from NCPS. good to have a good school on my list :) and he seems like a very teachable boy, like darren (code: klp6e)

i code my students, cannot isit. haha.

anys, i tik my 8-ji clash with pasir ris man. i got a new student prp2e, and she is a nightmare! omg. prp3e was a nightmare coz of the mother, but this girl's mother is a darling, but her daughter is a nightmare to teach! when i ask her to read out the comprehension passage, she sings out the sentences like this: oneeee dayyyyyy mmmmmaaarrryyyy weeenntt~~~ to theeee zooooooo. and then she writes either too big or to small on purpose and after 30 mins, she loses her patience with tuition and decides she wants to lie down on the bed or on the floor. *faints! and when i ask her to wash her hands and put her bowl back in the kitchen so that we can continue with lessons she asks which kitchen? so i ask, how many kitchens do you have? she says, 6. so i say, ok, then kitchen 5. and she goes, ok, but that is my parent's bedroom. and then she rattles on that kitchen 1 is the living room, kitchen 2 is her bedroom, kitchen 3 is the toilet.....and kitchen 6 is the kitchen. then i say ok, then go to kitchen 6. and she butts back saying but you say go to kitchen 5. s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y. *pulls hair* this is just one of her MANY antics!!!

all these sounds very typical cheeky young kids right? i know they are like that, and it is very funny to watch from the side and to play along with them. but it is so not very funny when you have to deal with their cheekiness and at the same time accomplish your purpose of TEACHING them when all they do is talk out of the world insane stuff like my name is mulatuk, and i stay in a farm, with 8 pigs. it is like haha - so farnie, but it is more of com'on man, seriously, when you are trying to get their mind to go on the right track. God, give me strength and the solution/ability to deal with her!!!

pOof.

of course it is all not so insane.

i feel a sense of pride when i see my student's results gg up! praise God! Darren's grades for his mock test that i give him is steadily upping! from 50.8% - 58% - 59.8% - 62%! awesomeness! x) haha.

i take back what i told my parents, i want smart/teachable students to teach!!! cuts down stress level by HALF!

ok, i just thought back, when i was p2, (i have always been a tutored kid from k2 onwards to sec 4), i was also quite mean to my teacher. during lessons i would also purposely read inaudibly i.e. sing/drag my words/say it v fast speed/v slowly and i always at any chance make excuses to walk away from the table and go my bed to sleep, leaving my teacher out there waiting. and yes i also do give attitude and show my temper and change my teacher when im unhappy with them, and demand they buy me presents as rewards when i do my homework. :x

pfft. wht goes ard rly comes back ard. bleah.

anys, im having a taste of having homework once again with piano lessons beginning tmr! im excited, yet dread the homework. :( i tried revising this afternoon, and after a short 5 mins, i decided i was too tired, and i lay back on the couch and fell aslp. such a bad example of a student i am.

so anyhow, hello leighton (name of my piano), nice to play with you again. :)

2010-12-30T17:50:00.000-08:00

2010 brought many poignant moments for me. i started the year (somehow) knowing that it was going to be the year of changes, and indeed many changes did it bring.

here's a list of things ive been through, done and experienced:
1. loss of a loved one
2. went for the most interviews in a year
3. a job promotion
4. a rather huge increment
5. favor at work
6. resigned from work
7. (finally) watched taiwan dramas (after nearly 4 years)
8. graduated
9. got my first miumiu (bag and wallet x))
10. got into sq
10 1/2. and (due to medical reasons) realise i cannot be an air-stewardess
11. rejected a writing job offer
12. fell in love with teaching (through Club Rainbow)
13. got to enjoy life
14. favor as a tutor
15. read alot of books
16. improved my chinese (by alot too)
17. bought my first watch (m by mj!)
18. travelled to europe again, this time more independently hence the "scratches and falls" :)
19. learnt sewing and once again proved that i am 3mins
20. realise i held 4 job positions this year: experience manager --> conference manager --> slacker --> tutor :p
21. fart-save myself on mewantbamboo? then fart-killed myself..-_-

ok so number 21 is extra. but it is what happened most recently what... oh,and i also watched alot of movies this year. and i also attended asia conference which was awesome. so apart from the little delights and God's grace and mercy for His provision for bringing me through the darkest times when i fought and struggled with Him, i can gladly say this:

good bye 2010, you suck!!!

and hello 2011, my best year yet!!!!!!!

2010-12-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

Recent experiences taught me the importance to invest well. No use being penny wise but pound foolish, and I need to know that for somethings, 少了也不缺。这五个字含有的意识我永不忘记。

Anyway, i take comfort in the character Rebecca Brandon (nee Bloomwood), and her mantra towards life: 1. instead of cutting back, you make more money. 2. never give up on something you really want, however impossible things seem, there's always a way.

So i can be a shopaholic at times. For me, once i start i cannot stop. it is like a fall down a bottomeless pit, i dont stop until im emptied, which is quite scary. abit like Becky, i justify my purchases and convince myself that it is either a steal, or a really good investment. and like her, i have hardly any savings to my name. sigh. :( I need to earn more money, AND learn to cut back. ive recently made some big purchases (the hugest thus far) and have also fallen in love with watches (which are tons more expensive than girly charm bracelets that i used to be so fond of, but definitely cheaper then tiffany charms which i still adore) so from here on i need to hold back! for as long as i can. it is not easy :(

2010-12-25T06:27:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday J! xoxo :)

It is Christmas once again, and pardon the shopaholic-side of me that cannot wait for boxing day (sales!) to come tomorrow. This Christmas came and went by as it did like previous years, but it is extra special for my sister as she is spending it in Israel! The land of milk and honey, and the place where all these took place 2010 years ago! I want to be in Israel too. (and get baptised in the Jordan River - yes, i know this is so stuffchristianslike :p)

Went for two Christmas services this year, and it occured to me that with each passing year my attendance in church depletes. I remember going for 3, 4, 5 services when i was still a teenager, whether it is to welcome new friends, or to just build up the atmosphere because it is too early a service or too late a service for the mass crowd to be there. With age, do we become better 'selves? Or do we only get better at rationalising for ourselves?

It is good to rationalise. It makes you think, weigh, and make the best sensible decision. But do we need to be so sensible all the time? I feel myself rationalising about going for service with thoughts like,

"Still so early, dont need to rush lah."
"This guest pastor always share about the same tig, dont need come again on Sunday to listen lah."
"Attend Christmas service again? But I've watched the drama twice, and there are no new friends, what for? We go watch movie/eat lah."

With age, I think I know it all.

So wrong.

If being rational makes life ___________ (flat), then i rather live irrationally.

I still do look back with a smile thinking about the days I choing for church. It was silly, but fun. I was empowered, and "on". Now, I am just ____________.

i want to be ^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^ (happy you see?) even if it means being on a little rollercoaster, rather than bland and without taste, right?

This 2011 i want to be irrational in chasing God, Faith, Love and Dreams.

2010-12-23T08:12:00.000-08:00

我昨天在kino书店逛的时候，无意中眼睛碰上了一本中文小说，书名称<<只是好朋友?!>> 我立刻把书拿上，读了简介，心想了 - 这作者真聪明，写出了每个人必经过的心酸，令一个感想是 - 这不是我之前想从新写故事的idea吗? 这么她已经写了呀! 天下真的没一样是新的了。(当然我也没无知到以为"只是好朋友"在idea没人写过，但像那作者写的心声跟我的如此相映可是第一次见到。) 好了，我已经把书买下了，还真有点期待读。希望不会令我失望! 我呢，还会照着自己的灵感写啦，若有何相同请记得: there is nothing new under the sun! :p

so this will be my second attempt at novel writing. i stopped my first: Eventually Leaving, in loving memory of my aunt (tai-ee). it became too heartbreaking for me to continue. so here it is sharing with you the first chapter of 'Eventually Leaving', written 13 May 2010. it is not perfect but publishing this on my blog this christmas season reminds me of 2 things once again- one, to love and treasure every single one that is around me now. 有时人生最需要的是知道-你还在。two, do not waste a minute in my life doing what i do not wish to do. you too, yepp?

Eventually Leaving

Eventually we will all leave this Earth, leaving behind everything that once bore value to us.

Life’s eventual outcome urges us ever so deeply that nothing lasts forever. Life is simply life, the feelings you have, embrace it, remember it and savour it for as long as life gives you breathe. The only regret one will have is when life is not fully led. Live without feeling obligated, live without a trace of drag, live vivaciously. But often while meandering through life’s twists and turns, we might get lost and even end up leaving our destiny.

...............................................................

Chapter One

As her last breathe left her, momentarily everything just stood in a still. Her body yellowed and patchy with black from her immobility, her skin wrinkled dry and sunken till it shaped the sharpness of her bones. Life has left her. A story written to its final chapter, now closed. The things she had done, right or wrong, in her conscious capacity did not matter anymore, regrets and hopeful wishes nullified, losing its power over her. The riches she spun over her years loss its instant value to her, it held no meaning or priority in her life from then on. That moment, her soul simply floated away from the body, and the body lost its value to the world.

Brooke stood at a corner of the room, looking her children sobbing over the body. She stood there helpless, invisible to those that meant the world to her. Efforts to be seen or felt failed her. Brooke was bare, clear as sheet, light as breathe and intangible like air.

Sorrow hung heavy in the house. It was an expected departure, but one can never be prepared or ready enough to face departure. In this sense, every departure was a sudden stab in the heart where piercing pain, deep hurt and uncontrollable blood just flows like the tears that are rolling down the cheeks of her beloved children.

Helplessness forced Brooke out of the house, unable to bear the sight of her most-loved ones breaking down in front of her limp, lifeless form. It lost its meaning, she wanted to tell them, "I'm here, right behind you," and give them a hug. But she could not. She has left, and has lost the ability to do so. She went out of the house, broken unlike what her heart has been through before, helpless, worse than a year of being bedridden. She was no one anymore, and she needed to accept she was a hush in the wind, nothing more.

Brooke went down the steps that lead to the garden, a place that was familiar yet new to her. This garden denied from her since that fateful night her heart collapsed was fresh, alive and bursting with colours. All these while, she could only enjoy a fraction of its beauty through the opening of her window where her sickbed was. The humming of the bees was heard through the window panes, and the scent of the roses that came only when a waft of breeze seeps between the gaps of her windows. This view but alas was not enough to die for, but she is.

She remembered the days spent on her sickbed, those days were filled with moments of anguish, pain, helplessness and an occasional sap of thankfulness. Some days she felt more depress when she dreamt of that she was laughing and shopping, eating and merry making with her family, only wake up and be reminded that her arms were injected with tubes and her life was dependent on the medicine stand that stood close to her at all times. She would tried to move and stretch from a sore spot, but her legs failed her, strength slipped away from her body without notice, that even a nudge up the pillow to sleep more comfortably was a struggle that left her panting for air. Breath was precious and few and she knew then that it increasingly was with each passing day.

Brooke let out a sigh and wandered to a spot near the playground, the same seat she used to sit at to watch Ellen play. She was hardly mobile then too, pregnant with Ethan. But without fail, Brooke brought her daughter out to play every day, listening to her laugh and scream as she chased after butterflies. Those days were simpler, filled with simple joy and contentment.

...............................................................

“Mom, wake up, wake up, don’t leave me...” I cried out to her lifeless form, pouring myself over her body, feeling the lingering warmth against my cheek, I tried desperately to fight against time, knowing that this precious warmth will soon slowly leave her.

Her body will not move, her eyes refused to open. All I hoped in my heart was a twitch of her finger, any small action, to tell me that this is yet another false scare. I just need to know that mom was still with me, she will still be here with me for at least one more day. One more day, that is all I ask for.

I cried, the emotions suppressed within me for the past three months poured out before my mother’s body, hopelessness and despair drenched my soul, my heart was broken, stepped into pieces, nothing mattered anymore, nothing in this world. I just want my mother, my mom...I felt like a defenceless child once again, needing my mother’s love and touch to assure me that everything is going to alright because she is here to protect me. But she no longer is...

“Mom, wake up, please...I need you...” my cries fading into hopeless despair, recognising the truth of the matter, I sobbed as I held her face, so preciously, her body was bones, my mother had left me three months ago, now her presence departs forever. I cannot bear to let go, cannot bear to let go, as I wrapped my arms tightly around her waif thin body.

...............................................................

“Ellen, be careful! Don’t run too far out into the field!” Brooke shouted out.

Ellen turned with the sun on her face, gleaming with perspiration, gave her mother a nod before continuing on her butterfly expedition.

That evening as the golden rays set across the horizon, she remembered how proudly Ellen went home with 2 butterflies in her cage. An accomplishment for a child aged of five.

The moment Ben reached home, Ellen burst out into a sprint towards him, beaming with pride to showcase her prized catch of the day, “Daddy, see. I caught 2 butterflies. One is pink and the other is blue. I am naming the pink one Elly after me, the blue one is didi (little brother in Chinese).”

Ben pats her head. “Wow, look who is a big girl now! I am so proud of you Elly.”

Then, Ben’s eyes met mine and we broke out into a sweet smile, amused and touched by the spontaneity and eagerness Ellen has for Ethan to arrive.

That night, the family sat around the dinner table, a heart-warming meal filled with frequent giggles and laughter, and love shown through the passing of food from one chopstick to another one’s bowl. Brooke could not wish for things to be anymore perfect than it was at that point in time with a loving husband, a delightful daughter and a bundle of joy awaiting me in three months time.

Brooke will never forget the morning after, when the surreal peace of dawn broke with shrieks from the living room, followed by continual shouts for ‘Mom’ and ‘Daddy’ in between sobs and tears. Brooke shuffled down from her bedroom, as quick as she could, to find Ellen clinging on tight to her butterfly cage.

Bending over, Brooke wrapped her arms around her, and whispered into her ears, “It is ok, my dear. It is only a butterfly. We can catch another one later this afternoon, ok?”

“The blue one is not moving, it will not fly! I’m a bad sister. I didn’t look after didi. I keep shaking the cage, but didi won’t wake up. Mom, help me.” Ellen said between sobs.

“Elly, it is alright. Don’t cry. You are a big girl now and I know you will be a wonderful sister. This blue butterfly has gone home to heaven, and it is not your fault. All butterflies go to heaven very quickly. Don’t cry anymore silly girl.”

“I’m sorry, mom” her voice soft and muffled. Brooke can still remember the warm dampness of her tears as Ellen pressed her face into her shoulders. Stroking her back gently, Brooke hushed softly, gently repeating, “It is ok darling, it is alright, don’t cry, mom is here...”

...............................................................

I sat at the edge of my bed, sieving through pictures of my mother as tear droplets stain the glossy images of pictures of my mom smiling and hugging me tightly.

“Mum, how can I ever let go of you...How can it ever be alright? You promised me we will walk out of the house together one day, you promised me you will get well, and we will go on a holiday...Mum, why did you leave me behind? I need you...” I broke down once again in the privacy of my bedroom, unconcerned about the streams of relatives entering my house downstairs. They did not matter for a million words of condolences will not ease the pain in my heart. They did not understand. I only wanted mom, only her.

Looking out the window, I faced the wide fields that surrounded the playground and yearn so much to be five again, to be out in the fields chasing butterflies, and running all sweaty and smiley into the embrace of my mother. Life was simple, filled with joy and laughter. It was perfect. I was an untainted doll, wrapped up with love and protected from how cruel reality is.

2010-12-21T09:56:00.000-08:00

烦的就是没新梗。打来打去也就是这几个话题 - 我，梦，追，写，游，乐，闷。

我知道我现在应该详细的记载意大利游玩的一点一滴，但我没那耐心跟兴趣去做。可能我真的不大适合做记者吧。我爱读多过于找新梗写。所以我现在比较偏爱写中文因为大多数读者没那兴趣/耐心读中文字，我也没那压力一定要写得有趣，好笑。

人生应该花多少时间追求梦想? 3年? 10年? 20年? 算多吗? 若活到80岁，那不会多过你1/4的时间。其余时间又拿来干嘛? 我不想只是为了安顿而安顿下来。那对我来说不是幸福快乐，而是懦弱的行为。不要浪费青春。

i read an article that encouraged me on what i am currently doing, this guy (some supposedly successful person) said that in your 20s change jobs, explore all interests, and settle only in your 30s, it is not too late. a traveller i admire also mentioned that caucasians tend to drift in their 20s, it is in fact common for them to spend their youth "in foolishness" to chase their dreams, see the world and do what their heart desires, and settle to find a job only in their 30s.

i am priviledged to be part of generation Y, typecasted and already assumed to be a pursurer of happiness, so why not dig into every bit of this classification and truly be a generation Y. i am a typical Y-er. a pretty strawberry, a soaring peter pan. i love being one, and i am blessed to be one. 人生快乐为主!当然也不是无理的奔放，而是明智的追求。任何东西都是要适可而止，太过偏向都是不好的。我不傻。

2010-12-19T08:55:00.000-08:00

旅行成瘾!

转用一个台地俗语来总结我旅行经验，"意大利的土地很黏。只要你一踩上，就不想离开了。"

真的真的好爱意大利。 :) 更是好爱好爱旅游。 x)

我要发奋努力争钱!!!!

2011年的旅行大计划
(一下数目都有加上我的购物预算，嘻)
曼谷! (我算好了，现在新航有特价只需303，加上便宜的住宿，只需375就能飞到我心爱的狂购圣地!) 总数: 一千
日本! (我会努力修补我的破日语!!!) 总数: 三千
欧洲/美国 (的任何一个地点，哪我都想去! 跟团或背包都可以!!) 总数: 七千
印度/中国当志工(说了两年了，明年一定要去! !) 总数: 两千

总总数: 十三千

有谁有那时间和能力陪我环球?

我计算好了，我每个月一定要存至少一点五千，才能完成我2011年的旅行大计划。谁也锁不住我旅行的欲望，不能当空姐也一样可以看世界，而是更能够自由深入的体验每一个国家行向未走之路。我说了，我一定会飞翔的。我不会更加不能对不起自己!!!

就快要跨年了，2011年会是什么样呢，我充满期待。x)

2010-12-17T09:22:00.000-08:00

How I Fell In Love With A Korean Boy (and got my heart broken)

Yes i got jilted. :( I feel absolutely abandoned.

it was too sudden (well, there were some tell tale signs, but being absolute head over heels, you try to ignore all signs and hope for the best right?), when the news got broken to me, i just felt...very sad. the finality, i felt overwhelmed, tik my heart stopped, i was in shock. thots rushed ard my brain, but nthg right cld come out, i had so many questions, i needed answers, but langauge barrier stood in the way, nthg came out right, nthg came out properly. i stumbled over words, so little time left, i caught key words and tried to process it fast. i tried my best to not look devastated by the news. i looked around, i looked at him, and desperately tried to take in that extra glimpse, that abit more time. but that was it.

too soon. i wish to turn back some time, i wanted to ~~stalk~~ find out more if its really his circumstances, it is a no choice that things had to turn out like this or did he tell a white lie coz he was unhappy with me. but i guess it is just how life plays out, it is time to let out, and wish each other best.

good bye kyung min, annyeonghi kyeseyo. i will miss you lots. thank you for the happy memories. i know you love korea lots, and im sure you will be happier back in your hometown, instead of trying to make singapore as korea as possible, nothing beats the original. as for me, im nursing my broken heart. i still feel sad. i hate that i got attached. so hard to reel it all back now :(

i wish your mom adapted to singapore better. sigh. im starting to enter the resentful stage. (i hate korea! >_<) BAH!

2010-12-15T18:20:00.001-08:00

I am back! x) and I absolutely love ITALY! I love the food, I love the shopping, I love the scenery, I mad love the country!!! Definitely going back AGAIN! Next tym to capri, naples, sorrento in spring! I'm in love!

I miss the pastas, the pizzas, the soups and the desserts alrdy! I can eat italian everyday I tell you! Haha.

Super motivated to start saving all over again for my next trip back! But from now till then, thr will be japan to see the sakuras! x)))

I want to learn how to speak italian! Hahaha.

I'm back on my routine nw of tutoring, still alittle tired from the flight back. 13 hrs flt no joke! Whn I have the moolahs, must fly biz and try! Can't imagine whts it like to serve for 13 hrs, mad crazy! And rest few days and fly again! Can't blif I wantd to be a flt stewardess. Mad life, and (no life). Takes joy out of travelling and moreover, travelling alone and seeing world yourself - whts the point whn u hv no one to share it with? Thr r other ways to see the world, as long as I want to, I will. :) and travel the road less taken.

Details of trip coming up soon! xxx

2010-12-05T00:49:00.000-08:00

迫不及待想马上登上飞机了啦! **\^_^/**

虽然这次旅行不是我那梦寐以求人生一定要做到一次的典型背包旅行流浪环游世界的旅程，而是个非常有规划与做好必备安排的行程，但我还是抱着满怀期待的心情等着它的到来。因为每次旅行不但是一个让我看世界，感染他人生活习俗的最佳方法，更是能让我得取新启发，新概念，新思想的好机会 - 这也是旅行的最大收获。

与其等待人生缓慢的落目在眼前，不如去追求渴望的结局。我要飞翔了!

(人都还没飞，就已经在想下一个目的地会是哪了。嘻嘻。总有一天我会是一个潇洒的背包旅行者跟与我同欢的人看世界! ^_*)

2010-12-03T20:03:00.001-08:00

我反驳。

写字与画画陪伴我度过人生黑暗的一刻，是种疗养方式。在关键时刻引我走出黑洞。

若不是有它们，我连坐听试着学的意识根本都没有，我也会没了唯一让我跟"他"的沟通方式。

你不是我，不要评论我，你没比我好，没我对你的尊重。不要一直开眼睛看我在做什么而下判断，因为你不了解我的心。

2010-11-30T20:50:00.001-08:00

brandonleeofficial.com has been launched.

It feels closer to reality now. :) I hope u get ur dreams bran!

追求梦想的时候是绝对不能放慢步伐，一定要拥有完全的信心，一直往前奔射。

可是到了达成梦想的目的地后要怎么样呢？
那如果梦想永远都属于看得见，但却捉不牢的东西，又如何呢？
到时候因该怎么走下去？

勇气不能缺。再站起来，再寻，再跑。

我，又在跑了。

2010-11-29T20:01:00.001-08:00

可能草莓对事物情感的爱戴与关注就是那么速食吧。也或许草莓比较懂得凭感觉勇敢生活，对此观念绝对no compromise，而只要凡事真心，用心，开心，就no regrets。

2010-11-25T22:56:00.001-08:00

Doing B's photoshoot now! Hope for awesome pictures and blessed weather! His gig happening tonight at SMU ICBs, 730pm to 11pm. 3 sets, 30 mins each. ;)

2010-11-23T23:47:00.001-08:00

Heart break! :(

Knowing that she won't see me for next 1 month until jan coz she will be away on a holiday, my tuition kid ran out of her house to chase after me! I was so surprise to see her behind running, and I ask her why u come out of the house? And she said she wanted to walk me to the gate of her condo. I told her not to be silly, and ask her to go back. We took a picture and she ask me to add her on fb. Before she went back home, she even ask when will I be adding, and I say by today. And she said she will check her fb tonight!

Omg, how to leave them?? :(((

2010-11-23T20:42:00.001-08:00

I was rly angry last night. (Pardon my fs)

Stuck between orh and wah.

I rly have no idea what to do. My tuition schedule was my bread and butter for the past one month. But ghost from the past came knocking. I don't want to be irresponsible, yet also don't want to give up an opportunity to grow and learn more.

Wht wld u do if u were me?

Running 3 places a day for tuition is meaningless nw. I feel like I'm making empty promises to the parents. I feel like a horrible person. Down right horrible person. Hw can I do such a thing. Sigh.

2010-11-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

f f f!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, just one month since leaving T and i feel so f again! pffftttt!!!!!! i was really happy being a tutor. dont you understand? i have spent so much effort filling up my schedule with premium tuitions and now this have to happen. dont you understand? i cant take the rejection, the disappointment, the hoping and wanting and wondering anymore! i want f-ing out of it!!!!! i am contented and happy just being a tutor, getting my license, picking up piano again, and living a life of leisure. yes, no personal growth or professional records to boast about, but I AM HAPPY!!!!!!!!!! which part of it is not good enough??? HAPPY JUST CRUISING THRU LIFE!! why must you come prick my senses again and get me all worked up?!!!!!! shit. a job offer is fantastic, but why now, not when i was at T, so that i can walk out with my head held high. URGH!

im just stressed, and vexed.

i am of course very thankful for the offer. very thankful for God's grace and blessing.

but just @$$#$%*^*^%$#$@#$#@^$^

calm down...i must..

i even kept all my certs and wasnt planning to see them until a year or 6 mths later. but now they are out on my bed, a familiar sight. the heartache. you will nv understd.

pfft!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-11-22T23:47:00.001-08:00

I am aboslutely starved. Running three tuition places today. Somehow the joy has lessen after yesterday's mind-boggling episode. Sigh.

Lyd, I tik I will end up as skinny as you r if this carries on!

No tym to eat!!! No wonder all my tutors like to eat during lesson, it is becoz they have no tym to eat at all! I rushed from home to rv then rv to hg then nw hg to kk. With only a yakult and a cup of milo in my stomach. Can't wait to meet vc later for dressmaking AND DINNER!

Anys, B's man passed away. Life - so fragile. So easily taken away..its v sad..

Live like you r dying guys. No regrets whatsoever. Don't die regrettg ur decisions n ur current state of life, and hw u spent ur last min.

We've only got 86400 seconds in a day.

Sigh.

So anyway, back to my tig, wah or orh?

This thursday, a decision must be made.

Btw, kyung min loved his football :) and keeps singing the korea football song. so v v cute. Heh. :))

2010-11-21T21:33:00.001-08:00

The sun is so unforgiving today. I bet it is at least 40 degrees. Or at least it feels like it. Pfft.

My schedule is officially packed. I wish for 1 more to come in, but I'm not anxious. Holding the slot for parents who are willing to pay.

Anyway, I'm so mixed that this might soon end. Sure, it will be good for the ego for to hear pple go, "wah.." instead of "orh.." when they find out what my occupation is. But I'm not sure if I'm ready for the "wah" kind of job yet.

I'm pretty happy just teaching and interacting with children. (Smtg I nv knew I wld like)

That reminds me, I need to buy an eagle toy/football for kyung min. It is his bday tdy, and wld like to get him smtg :)

2010-11-20T20:38:00.001-08:00

I'm currently reading a danielle steel. And it will prolly be my last ds as well.

Can't wait to lay my hands on mini shopaholic.

Off to cycling now on a beautiful morning. Finally, no rain, no storms. Just sunshine :)

藏闷在心里的话，永远说不出来。based on this, I'm going to attempt writing my book again.

Ciao! :))

2010-11-19T04:55:00.000-08:00

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! kate middleton is actually gg to become queen! im upset!!! :(((((((

2010-11-18T22:24:00.001-08:00

Just watched an episode of rachel allen: bake! and I'm so inspired to bake well! She makes it look so easy to do!

Anys, I've been wanting to ask, has starhub cancelled discovery travel and living and replaced it w tlc? Coz I can't seem to find tht channel since months ago!

I watched e! ytd afternoon, and they were repeating giuliana and bill:italian wedding. Their wedding at capri was awesome. They aren't rich, it wasn't an over the top extravaganza, but it was just lovely. The weather, the scenic view, the place, the church, the people, just perfect. I want a destination wedding one day too!

I'm just waiting for time to pass before heading off for tuition at tanjong pagar. I save a lot of money now as a tutor u know? Money spent during lunch rly makes a lot of difference. I can see myself driving from one location to another for tuition. Whenever I feel that I'm slowly taking this lifestyle for granted, I quickly make myself think about doing an A list, and I thank God that I'm out doing what I don't dread doing.

Note: I'm now doing what I don't dread doing. Yet to find 'it' yet...poOf.

2010-11-17T19:44:00.001-08:00

Kyung min will be leaving sg for korea next nov! :( I feel so sad suddenly. Just one short year here in singapore and he will be gone. Sigh. :(

2010-11-15T09:11:00.001-08:00

It is 1am and I'm thinking what should I do now.

I want to go on the internet and read yahoo and people, but my internet is down (I blog thru bb). I want to sleep, but I can't. I want to start on another drama series, but I hate the feeling of being 'hooked'. So, I curled my hair w my heart cushy rollers. Haha. The curling effect is rly cute if it turns out well. See the pics on my fb which cloudy posted (trip to JB w juicy). Korean inspired curls. Teeheehee. So let's hope I wake up to good hair day curls! If not down the drain my effort goes. You knw, I have lotsa white hair at the back of my head. I suspect it is all o-levels stress induced! I rmb the horror I got when I looked in the mirror aft 'o's to discover the white strands on my head. Holy moly, I went to poly thereafter to escape that instensity of stress. (Partially Kidding.) So I'm contemplating dyeing my hair. But B doesn't like :( boo.

El found ham's twitter - iamlewis4real. Woohoo! I'm so happy. I <3 lewis hamilton. Heehee.

I hope for a better season for him next year! :))

Wht should I do, wht shld I do?!

So tempted to start packing my room again. Seems like my hobby is packing now.

Ok, mebbe I will watch a movie instead - how abt re-watching angus thongs and perfect snogging? But, urgh. I want to puke whenever I tik abt hw aaron johnson is right now. Urgh. He is a father of a baby girl with a 41 year old, if u didn't knw. And he is only 20. Urgh urgh urgh! And she was his director for nowhere boy. Urgh!!!! Disgusting. Stomach flips. Bleargh!!!

Mebbe another show then.

2010-11-15T01:21:00.001-08:00

I can't believe vettel won!

Pfft.

Anyway, I tickled the ivories today, and felt sad. I can't play like my neighbours do, although the only freaking song my neighbour plays every single day is the irritating 'tong hua'. -_-

Counting down to day 21 soon, am I really going to be a tutor for good? I still enjoy teaching, and talking to the small kids. The travelling and gap time can get abit long, but I kinda enjoy having this so called 'wasted time' to just walk ard, read a book and shop around. The Q is, how long will I last? Only time will tell.

I searched the papers today, but there's nothing suitable. I tried.

Ok, gap time now! Walking ard ion...off to collect my topshop card!

2010-11-12T20:12:00.001-08:00

It has been 14 days since I've been cut off from the 'world'.

I hardly read the news now, hardly surf the internet, and hardly watch any other tv other than E!. I've been living a life that contains little trace of what people 'suppose' I should be doing.

So, if you're wondering how am I, I'm still very happy :)

Days are spent tutoring, wandering the streets, shopping, eating and meeting friends. How bad can life like that be?

I hope days like these will never end. :)) altho' I don't like the feeling of being totally disconnected, will prolly have to start picking up the (boring) papers. Bleah.

Ohoh, btw, my trip is still on! Wheee~

2010-11-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

it has been a good carefree and thrifty 7 days.

i slept, i ate, i watched telly, i read, i did household chores, and i took a lot more pride than expected in being a tutor.

the shiokness of waking up, not dreading that it is yet another day, is hard to explain. i feel like a better being now.

oh, and i packed my room! i have yet to unload the luggage of stuff from T, and i have 3 bags of paper under my table which i have no place for. i have thrown away 1 dustbin worth of stuff that didnt mean anything to me anymore (i usually take up an item in my hand, and wait for a while, if it evokes any keepsake memories the item is safe. if not, into the bin it goes (i know, like machiam premonition right? haha)) but it is still not enough. i need to find new storage space!

and my hello kitties look so sad. why must her face be WHITE! it is so hard to maintain. my porcelain/plastic kitties' faces are turning yellow, while my furry kitties' faces are turning grey! how how how.

anyway, im tutoring this really awesomely cute korean boy, kyung min! x) i see him 3 times a week. to aid my teaching i am watching korean drama (not as an excuse to watch ok, i rly wanted to watch tw dramas but debated against for the better of my "career") and bought a korean phrasebook. im still feeling a little sore and hesitant about picking up another language, and seeing my japanese go to waste. damnit, why not japanese! why didnt i learn korean! i keep wanting to speak in japanese to him! (koreans and japs look quite alike wht right) like pointing to the bird, i keep wanting to say tori, and when asking if he likes something, i keep wanting to say, suki desu ka.

but i cant :(

so i will try to pick up korean. :(

anys he is so cute, he cant say z properly. instead of 'zee' he will say 'g g'. haha. and when i correct him, his 'g g' gets softer and softer. haha. and when i was teaching him animals in the farm yesterday, i asked him which animal do you like? he replied saying, ok! hahahha. he really cannot understd what im talking lah! but i feel so happy, today i showed him a picture of an ostrich, and he proudly said, 'ostrich!' with every alphabet properly pronounced. im impressed! their brains are rly like sponge!

ok, im off now for more 'brilliant legacy', i think the lead actor is annoying, pfft. and he looks retarded with a half bloated face.

2010-10-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

so, i've made it out.

:)

ok, it wasnt as bad as to be described as hell, but it felt like an event that would never end. the process got longer and longer, my soul got more tired and weary, and i wish each day would become shorter, even if it was just by a little bit, so that i can breathe. and now that it has finally come to an end, it feels like a relief, yet mixed with a tinge of bittersweet. the finality of it, feels very harsh. i wish it was gentler, smoother. but oh wells, im glad to be out. :)

i guess i will always rmb the plastic smile and few words of "thanks" that ms polly gave. i was seriously considering if i should even walk over to say thank you and goodbye. so to end on this supposed good note, i said goodbye and thank you.

im not being fussy here, but com'on, i slogged 3 years for you (directly and indirectly), freaking designed all your panel and interval slides when you had no cash to pay tong, ran your events like a mad dog, and cut tiny little cocktail cards (in quantities of 100 and above) so that you can save an extra $50 to add to your hair and make-up fund, and not even be treated to a meal from you out of your own pocket. omg. i wish you burn in **** with your money. (im sorry, i dont mean it for real, but to that extent of harshest for someone so inhumane and heartless). i know im leaving at a bad timing, but there never will be a good timing. a good timing for you, is a bad timing for me, and vice versa, so when you treat me in such a manner, why should you deserve good consideration from me? treat this as your due deserves. you can talk to you cow and bitch all you want with your veneers, i dont care. but watch what you say and what you do. coz you do what you want others to do unto you as well. one day, i will step higher than you, above you and over you to show you what a good leader should be. watch your every move and pray hard that re will boom, so that your events will boom. coz on its own, nothing sells, not even with the best how to, how to, how to.

enough said.

so, bran n i wasted 40 bucks on a halloween party. the event, tho nicely decored, was sorely lame. im glad it got nfs to come, but for old birds like us with no nfs to look after, it was rly not fantastic. or mebbe im not just not so much of a fan of scary costumes. it was overall quite unnerving. i was glad to be out. in the light. with normal humans walking beside me, and not another 'scream' mask waiting to scare me at every turn.

we went off to catch yet another movie. (yes, i can hear deborah sigh) the town was ok. i rly wanted to watch it because of blake lively, but convinced bran that it was going to be a gd film by marketing it as a super high action movie of a bank robber who fell in love with the woman he kidnapped. it turned out to be exactly like that, punctuated with lots of deep mysterious slow talking scenes, i fell aslp, only to wake up to see the ending. how typical right? blake adopted a real boston accent (i tik) for this film, and her scenes were short and few, and her english hard to comprehend. so if you want to watch it to see her, stick to gossip girls.

im tired. but just wanted to note down this day. 29 oct 2010. i love u x)

2010-10-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

i am too lazy for colors afterall.

so, my desk is clean, and i am such a hoarder. i brought back documents and files thinking that one day i might enjoy the feeling of flipping through them, and going down memory lane. i did that for alphabet media, and i never once thought of going down memory lane opening up old files, and re-living the frozen timeframes. guess plenty of the paper that i lugged back will go down the recycling bin one day, some x years later.

i tell you it was such a torture carrying back the last bag of paper from work. it was PURE paper weight. and there i was, with my crooked problematic back, trying to support and carry the non-woven bag over my shoulders, left then right, then right then left, and then with my fingers. omg. nightmare! and all i had all day was chee cheong fun and milo!! o.0 can faint man.

tmr is the halloween party, and i must say, im not the least excited. bad choice of buying the ticket! >.< dread going, dread going!! pfft.

my room is in a mess, my bags are in a mess, my makeup is in a mess, my books are in a mess, but, i feel completely in order. happy. x)

days of freedom here i come! i can smell u 24 hours from here! i <3 uu x)))

2010-10-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

woohoo! after 4 long years of searching, i have finally found color on my blog! (yes, i cldnt find that blardy button hidden under new editor for ages!! thats why everything has been black and white over here!) and colors look fab against my black bg! perfecto! what a great way to start a new era of my life: BETTER THAN AWESOME! (see even new fonts!)

im having fun now. x))

so, what's coming up?

1. Brandon Lee Hao De will be performing for the VERY FIRST TIME at hood bar and cafe this coming monday, 1 nov, 8.30pm! BE THERE 8.30PM to support! x))) Vocals: Bran, Bass: Stuart

2. (will be revealed after 31 Oct. ;)) At stake: Good exposure, valuable experience, a trophy and $800! x)))

so this is my life now, haha. im an artiste manager! :p not bad eh.

count down, 3 days to go, I CAN DO IT THRU CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!

better than awesome living, IM LOVING IT! :D

2010-10-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

My blog is 7 years old, and this is its 1000th post. :) slow, but I've reached it.

Ok! So I've got a couple of assignments lined-up. (Pretty excited for it!) Pple have said, this occupation 没有前途, no social contact, no personal development. I paused, got abit affected (partially coz, why didn't I tik of that before as a concern, am I leaving in my own world?!) and then I "wake up" and don't feel a thing about what others have said.

Am I not being wise?

别人笑我太疯癫，我笑别人看不穿！

人个有志好吗？

This is what I need now, to feel better than awesome!

2010-10-25T08:03:00.001-07:00

锲而舍之，朽木不折；锲而不舍，金石可镂

Back To December - Taylor Swift (Cover) By Brandon Lee

2010-10-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

2010-10-24T09:53:00.001-07:00

i seriously cant wait for my last week at Terrapinn to be over. 5 more days, J, extra strength!

I went back on saturday to pack my desk, my 3 years in that office left me with 1 luggage and 4 bags worth of stuff. mostly hello kitty stuff. haha. i took a walk round the quiet office, it felt different. the place was just cold. the warmth of human relationship wasnt there anymore. nothing to be happy about, nothing to feel sad about leaving behind. this is just it! so yeay to myself, for being brave enough to make one rash move while i am still young, and to be brave enough to turn away from cash for the idealistic happiness in life.

bran has another video up on youtube, a cover of taylor swift's back to december. ok, it is my fault that he did that. i kinda asked him to. haha. so its not a gay choice of his aight. i pasted the video above for you to click on to watch but the video overlaps on words on my blog template, so for a better view you can go straight to youtube to check it out! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZduMfrIg38

we took over 7 takes to get this! omg, it was a nightmare of equipment failure! we had a perfect try, but the memory space on the dslr went out, and then another, the dslr went flat! o.O another take, he forgot to record the audio on his mac, and then after so much practising and takes, his voice cracked on another. this is really a true test of perservance man! haha. so there i was being a good manager, bringing him his water, his pick (wherever he last left it), adjusting the camera and scrolling his lyrics. not easy!! must have servant-heart!! hahaha. when we finally had a good take, i went yeay after he finished singing, and that naturally got snipped off in the editing room. :p

all the way bran!! i hope u get ur dream! x) many of us cheering and running with you on this race. ganbatte!!!! xoxoxo

let u in on a timeline: come Jan 2011, we hope to release bran's EP. during the launch, YOU must be there aight! and of coz buy his EP! hahahah.

can you tell im really happy?

life - awesome.

im thankful. :)

J, thank you for being there. tho i turned my back away from you. felt nothing from you all this time. but i know even when i am faithless, you are faithful. i trust in you in everything that i do. you are my GPS, you know that right? people ask, why do i need god. my answer is clear, coz you are the only one that can sustain me. i dont need to things of the world to feel alive, high, awesome or accomplished coz you only, are enough for me. and that itself is a bliss on its own that no one can take away, and no one can comprehend until they have tasted it themselves. life as a Christian isnt easy. it isnt a bed of roses. the beginner's luck runs out fast. a christian walk is summed up in the desert's song. "i know i am filled to be emptied again, the seed i receive i will sow". how many filling up and emptying can you go through? how many receiving and then giving it all away can you go through without feeling cold hard and selfish inside? i think i just got passed one of my toughest round of emptying, i must say it was really not easy. i nearly gave up, but i know, He never will give up on me.

a J-moment:
If you think you alone are strong enough now, tt means you are not strong enough at all. unless you have been through the harshest and admitted that you are weak and powerless, then you will know how strong you actually are - which is not strong at all.

im doing everything with a '+J' formula, you too? :)

2010-10-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

终于可以在次用中文打字，表达心意了，真开心! :) 之前因为家里的无线网络系统坏了，而弄得我好几天无法在家里上网记载日记，只能打完后存档在电脑里。

好了，要说的是闷在心里很久的 - 唐寅也就是人知的唐伯虎。

看秋香怒点唐伯虎时，我对他也又感燃兴趣了。在网上读了他生前的故事才知道我脑海所知的唐伯虎跟真人唐伯虎是完全两个人。唐伯虎的真人故事是充满悲哀与可惜，他人生里也从来没出现过一个叫秋香的人。戏里的唐伯虎，无论是在秋香怒点唐伯虎或是四大才子里角色所具有的故事情节都是虚构从没存在，角色与真人除了智慧才智之外，根本毫无相似。 :(

就留你一首唐寅的诗吧。自己觉得很可惜，因为大半的诗我都不明白，也无法真正了解唐寅所想说的意识。。。如果能完完全全的认识中文与中国文化那该多好，那是我心中藏留多久的心愿。

江南第一风流才子唐寅《桃花庵歌》

桃花坞里桃花庵，桃花庵下桃花仙。
桃花仙人种桃树，又摘桃花换酒钱。
酒醒只在花前坐，酒醉还来花下眠。
半醉半醒日复日，花落花开年复年。
但愿老死花酒间，不愿鞠躬车马前。
车尘马足显者事，酒盏花枝隐士缘。
若将显者比隐士，一在平地一在天。
若将花酒比车马，彼何碌碌我何闲。
别人笑我太疯癫，我笑他人看不穿。
不见五陵豪杰墓，无花无酒锄作田。

最喜欢也感兴趣的是那句常的戏里被用为台词: 别人笑我太疯癫，我笑他人看不穿。 :) 人笑人真是会笑死人，你做你的，我做我的，个走个欢心，笑来笑去，还不是人生一样过，自己开心，自己懂得就够了。；)

2010-10-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

Caught life as we know it yester day with bran, and I really enjoyed it.

Heigl and Duhamel looks so good tgt! and until now, I still don’t get it. how on earth did duhamel end up with fergie??!?! It is yet another case of unknown cute guy with famous wife (like ryan and scarlet – but they match!) duhamel and fergie is totally…o.O but I read he cheated on her before..

Anys, today is jessica michibata’s birthday! so in celebration, both el and I went to ‘like’ f1ladies! Hahaha.

But my all time star couple will always be Hamilton and scherzinger. x) they are so sweet tgt, despite their age gap and the fact tht she does look alil like his mother fussing ard him. I just love how they fly across the globe for one another, just to show support. U shld see how ham sat as an audience to support scherzinger during her finals at DWTS. Super sweet. :) and how she videocams him during races. Aww.

2010-10-19T18:34:00.000-07:00

I feel so lucky! x) I'm reading two fab chicklits in a row. And with mini shopaholic out now, I don't have to worry about a boring flight to italy! I love my life this way!

29th oct, hurry come!!

2010-10-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

今天戴了四方帽，终于正式毕业了！：）

2010-10-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

What is the central theme of your life?

I realise everyone has a central theme in their life, it seldom changes, unless met with a vital turning point. If not, they will always be the same, and their world will always in essence be revolving around the same elements, issues, and topics. It is not that they are not progressing or movinfg forward, their world sure is spinning, but it just hardly gets influenced to incorporate smtg new or refreshing. Whether for good or for bad, they are in a sense, perfecting their world through practise over time of always acting the same, and they become uniquely themselves, even when they don't realise it.

So, what is your theme?

Wldnt you want to have such a strong central theme in your life, that it exudes such a strong powerful positive influence amongst the pple you are with?

How are you perfecting your world to be?

What would you like to perfect doing in your lifetime?

I want to perfect being truly happy, truly alive, truly free, truly thankful, truly lived.

2010-10-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

i cant wait to be marvelled.

a much-needed and long awaited Grand Tour to the Eternal City. A reward for my past 3 years of hard work. consider this as well my graduation trip. haha. it makes me feel better reasoning this way to justify why i am spending so much on a holiday when a near finance drought is approaching.

it is quite sad to see that after 3 years of work, i havent added so much as to a penny to my savings account. and in these 3 years, i didnt buy any of the luxury items that i had wanted to - no chloe paraty, no chanel wallet, no miumiu bag/wallet, nothing! how can that be?? where did all my money go to? damnit. altho i tik i have a clue: a spendthrift convenient lifestyle.

really, it is not how much you earn, but how much you save that counts.

i am going to make every penny count now, save save save!!! year 2011 - the year of great savings!

2010-10-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

我活得很快乐，不需要假装，不需要装可怜搏同情，也不需要虚伪。我就是我。
爱安静，爱活跃，爱自在，爱自由，爱快乐，爱简单，爱复杂中明白道理，爱阅读，爱文字，爱幻想，爱做梦。。爱很多，也很快。

主要是爱主。

自由自在的过生活。

2010-09-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

这不就是我要的结局吗? 为什么会依依不舍呢?
我不要藕断丝连，但说放弃就放弃真的不容易。
为什么不能干脆，潇洒一些。怎么每次都要往后看，每次都要担心遗憾。。。

信，在哪呢?

2010-09-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

真好笑，我正在回读04年的日记，那时的我真的好像有点颠耶。哈哈。因看了狂爱龙卷风后被戏剧里的家乐受影响，也想当个肉食女，而刚好就在那时候让我遇上一个弄得我神魂颠倒的鸡蛋，令我天天都喃喃自语，想东想西的。当肉食女真的不容易耶。但如果再从来一遍，我想我还是会重蹈覆辙吧。反正那时候年轻嘛，傻一下也没关系。哈哈。

那你勒，从前或现在是个草食男/女还是个肉食男/女呢?

2010-09-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

here it all begins! x)

us!

Day 1! All ready for Missy Elliott! boy, I got a huge surprise when i saw her, she looked NTHG like the picture they used in all the f1 publicity collaterals!!

see!!

nonetheless, she was awesome. she and her rapper put a really solid performance, building up the concert atmosphere and got everyone jumping! when suddenly - the stage blacked out! omg. for 5 whole mins! so malu! >.< power failure seems to plague our f1 concerts year after year!

D2, fresher & ready for daughtry!

he was pretty good, tho not my type of performance, but was a really cool act still. they brought over 20 guitars/bass for this gig! changing their instruments after every piece! ooh, they threw guitar pecks after their act, and bran caught one! woots!

and at night - the most high - adam lambert!! HE WAS AWESOME!!! esply loved the closing when he sang his dance hit - if i had you!! he blasted his music way louder than the zooms of f1 cars, we were practically deaf after the concert!! hahaha.

D3, F1 + MC! i wld have been happier if ham didnt DNF :( sigh. look at how sad he was. my heart breaks. we left the track soon after his tyre punctured. watching the race became meaningless after that.

i would love to tik that this is ham's car. haha. its super hard to capture ok!

where we stood - next to the stamford grandstand at turn 7

sigh :(

so, with broken hearts, we left the race tracks to head over to the padang stage. and when MC appeared on stage - i got another big shock of my life. she looks like tt! O.O i hope she is pregnant, but it doesnt seem so, coz she didnt look anxious when she fell. her performance, altho peppered with lotsa boring time-fillers (like beatboxing, spinning and dancing) was worth the wait. and for once, i could sing a long with the person on stage! hahaha. she did her awesome dolphin pitches, and acted all diva on stage, playing up the diva act with lotsa humour coz she knows the audience likes it that way, and expects nthg less than that from her.

so here it is, 3 full days of entertainment! hahaha. ok, my post doesnt do justice to the amt of fun i had really! it was really super duper uber awesome, i cant say that enuff!!

i love love love f1 season!

this is gg to be my once a year work out activity. haha. seriously my back and my legs aches from all the standing, walking, tip-toeing and jumping! was super tired after the end of mc's concert as you can see from above. i was completely completely drained. i limped home every night! >.<

$188 for 3 days walkabout pass - super worth it! plus the fans zone tag which you need to get if you want to get up close to the stage for maximum concert experience! we went 3 hrs earlier everyday to get the tag, and in between then till the start of each performance we wld walk ard, grab a bite or just sit and wait. whtever it was, time flew! gosh, i love this weekend! x)

2010-09-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

hahaha, i used google translate to translate the entire page of chinese into english, and the crap the machine produced made me wanna laugh. this is exactly how it is when i read jm's blog! can u imagine how much information gets lost in inaccurate translation?

ok, coming up! picture entry of the f1! minimal text as i am not a pro with all the html stuff, but the f1 weekend was really so awesome! so here it is, sharing it with you x) come with me for f1 next year aight! im having my fingers crossed that they will bring in timberlake or britney! hahaha. i tik i will faint with estascy if it really happens!

2010-09-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

我要说的是累积的爱。

你懂得累积的爱是什么吗? 坦白讲，我知道但可惜我不懂。

人都是贪新鲜，贪刺激。特别是现Y时代，容易分心，容易放弃，更容易喜新厌旧。哪懂得吃的苦中苦，方为人上人?

累积的爱不单于说人与人之间的爱，说的也是信念，爱好，等等，所有你能想向爱到的事物。

打个比例，我学钢琴的时候常常被热爱音乐的老师责骂也而最终被放弃，我那时不但非常伤怒，也感到超不爽，但回想我也终于明白了她那一肚子气是从哪膨涨起来的。- 因为对她而言，我对音乐的不够重视是对她的一种侮辱，是种让她无法忍受的态度。因为她与音乐所累积的爱大过于金钱名利，她宁愿不赚不要，也不引许自己浪费她那掏心掏肺的教导在一个不重视也不专心欣赏音乐的学生。

累积的爱就是那么扎实的，是度过春夏秋冬永不放弃后而变得又稳又可靠。这种爱在面对考验时，会让你从心涌起一股打败不了的精神，肯定的信念。而我那出了明的三分钟热度，分心的爱戴是简直一文不值，因风一吹，那爱也会随着风一起飘飘而淡散。

真败啦。到了这把年纪还那么不懂事。我真愿我心会定，不再被人看不起。我也愿你会懂得累积爱，因为你一定要牢牢的记住只有累积的爱才是最扎实的。

2010-09-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

I saw an old man laying on the cold hard cement floor with his forearm as his pillow, there I watched him, do an occasional toss and turn probably trying to feel comfortable as he dosed in and out of sleep. I cannot bear but wonder how he had been like in his younger days and what was it that he had done then, that resulted in him calling the void deck his home? Does he even know why, or is he a lost man still searching?

On the brink of making one of the toughest decisions till date, and with only my naivety, hopes and dreams to support my choice, I find myself, hesitating. Will this be my one reckless move? Is this all the wisdom I can muster up for the decision I am about to make? I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

Some consequences are hard to bear, some pays off and you relish the moment for as long as it last, and like ecstasy it gets addictive. Living for the plunge – it is a matter of daring, and a matter of taking the right plunge.

Where will I be plummeting to? I have no idea. Like Alice, I will be falling down the rabbit’s hole - partially out of curiosity to explore what is on the other side, partially out of an increasing dislike for the place that I am currently at. I am not sure if any place will be better than this place, but I know this is definitely not the place that I want to be at now. Not presently, not when my heart yearns and craves for so much more – fresh air, creativity, fun, freedom, colors and love, I can burst with joy just thinking how happy I could be in that ideal place, and for this hope, I take the plunge.

Looking at the old man, there is only one thing that I hope, I hope he ended up lying on the cold hard cement floor not because he chose to chase after his dreams and idealism in his younger days, but for mistakes that a good man should never had made.

2010-09-26T20:36:00.001-07:00

高潮迭起的新加坡F1在眨眼的一瞬间，卦下了(差点)完美句点。唯一一个小污默就是看到汉密尔顿在比赛最激烈的那一刻，意外的出局。看得战战兢兢的我跟他一样愤怒，失落，遗憾。处之之外，这整个经验可说是超赞!!! 演唱会延延不断，表演一个比一个精彩，超HIGH! 跳得我现在脚软背痛!! 真的好期待明年F1在显! 我一定会再去! 到此，汉密尔顿加油加油加油，不要气馁!!

2010-09-24T01:48:00.000-07:00

不如当个冒险王?

人只活一次，最终生老病死，人老朱黄都是不可避免的(遭遇)。那到了那把年头，再希望转回头，活得干脆一点，勇敢一点，以太迟了。活的就在于现在。我不要因为过生活而过，不要因为看到人家在拼命的得取而绿眼努力，也不要因为要度过过程而盲目的去过。我不要做一个只能往外望和困在脑里想才得得到精彩的人。

就让我还有梦想与单纯的傻理念，勇猛的活出一个不平凡的人生吧! 就冒险一搏，找自己! :)

2010-09-23T02:27:00.000-07:00

今天不知为何我脑海里一直浮着这两个不仅是大不相干更是意义抵触的句子:

"人可怜的是穷得只剩钱，幸福的是因为没有钱，而什么都可以有。"

和

"草莓时代"。

前句让我深刻反映自己人生德行，从新衡量在我生命所存有意义与重量的东西，而后句是令我无法抵赖的标签，我是个草莓，肤浅又皮薄，容易受伤，被挫折绊倒的小女孩。

真是可笑耶，草莓小女孩又这么会懂穷得只剩钱的意识呢?

2010-09-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

fearless.

i am bruised. my pride, my ego, my confidence dented, smashed and disfigured beyond recognition.

it feels like securing internship placement on replay.

self-assuring can only go this far, any further it would be denial. i am happy to see my friends securing great jobs, some jobs that were my dreams, and seeing them have it feels like it has been stolen from me, my idea. it is kind of like how charlotte felt when her baby name - shayla was stolen from her and used by her other friend. yes, i feel that. i feel like yelling and shouting and screaming, that was MY dream you bitch! you took and you lived it, you imitator, no orginality! but i cant, it only goes on play at a very hidden corner of my mind. i am happy some secured their dreams jobs, they are capable and they deserve it, but am i any less?

if i sound sour, bitter or angry, you didnt read wrong, i was sour, bitter and angsty. but judge me not, because you wont be any less if you were in my shoes, if you feel you are higher than such feelings, then i pray you will soon be in my shoes, going through every single darn thing that i had and felt, and you can show me how well you can fare. if not, shut up and judge not.

im coming forth here plain, stripped of every single pride. i doubt myself, i questioned God. why, why me?

where is my happily ever after in my career.

everything is going down south, it is hapless. i feel like a loser, really. write, i thought i could, but now i can't. i am so afraid to write. my words will not string lyrically. my english is not good enough, it is trashy. what am i? just who am i?

i have lost. lost my dreams. i grieved.

but i gained. i was helpless, i was weak. i was much lesser of sarah. this is the dip after the height. i was sowing so much over the past 2 years, i was reaping so much last year, i reaped and reaped, and i am so thankful for that. then, i was perpetually on morphine, going on super power. it was the holy spirit, he sustained me, and allowed me to be able to do so much. but today i am a nought. if i was super last year, this year the T-virus has been supressed. i am only human.

i dropped it all.

standing here, with my feet bare on the ground. strings tightened. i feel at some point abandoned. hello God, only to hear an echoey reverb of my own voice.

i felt alone. fighting everyday. living on His daily stipend of mercy and grace that tide me through each day, and scraping through some others.

there has never been a more terrible time than this.

it feels like a never-ending rollercoaster ride, it was exciting, then i felt sick and scared from all the up and downs, and now i am just plain exhausted from the ride. and those following my ride, initially thrilled soon dropped off like when a dandelion blown.

But deep inside me, there is a nudging that i cannot ignore. i know He is in control, and know he is there.

He is my rock.

somehow, i dont know how to explain, but i just feel it and i know it against all odds in the my natural circumstance that everyone may think my future looks blank, but i know there is light. i dont see it now, i admit it. i am still searching and i know i will find it.

i am sarah sim.

this cannot just be it. He has got to use me. He has such big plans for me that many atimes, i am worried about how to reach there. when in actual fact, he has it all planned. i dont know what is ahead. very honestly in the natural right now, there is nothing. no pipelines, no more letters went out. am i panicking? i should. but somehow i feel urged to pause and wait. coz if i jump, it would be wrong. i am waiting now. people ask what am i doing? i am waiting on God. i am really seriously waiting.

it is not that i refuse to move.

i cant. he hasnt give me the green light.

i am frustrated and i get impatient. why God, why not faster? you know i can work and move like a energizer bunny. why wait. why has all the door closed? is it my lack of abilities? is it me? my problem? i am willing to learn again, go study more. but it doesnt feel right. it cant be it. there are reason why doors refused to open. those doors werent good for me. I am His child, and He only wants good things for me. He knows if the door opens i will jump, but i shouldnt and i cant. i need to jump to right ship, to sail in the direction that he wants me to. not just any ship, but his vessel. it must be right, one that prospers me and gives me rest. one that glorifies him and makes me glad and joyous for every second that i live. one with purpose and meaning, not just vanity and grasping the wind.

this is the cultivation process, and he is cultivating me.

He is my Jesus Christ, my author, my creator, my rock, and this cannot be the end of His plans for me. It is going to be big. I know because He has told me and He is my God.

2010-09-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm really inspired by karen woo.

my heart breaks tht her life came to a tragic end, but a heroine she left as.

The fragility of life presses deeply in my heart creating within me a greater urgency to fervently live life with a purpose.

I will be wise n won't compromise. I want to make the best use of my talents, I don't want to just cruise thru life, I want to be purposeful in society to learn more and do more so tht I can bless more!

2010-09-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

Its all about the lens.

Isn't it so true?

2010-08-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

living not in lack.

having everything i need, not lacking.

having so much more to give.

2010-08-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

I can sing of your love forever.

Great is thy faithfulness.

I'm insanely in love w you.

稳安信望爱.

只要信凡事都能

I love you jesus, deep deep, much much, a lot a lot.
Thank u for your grace, your mercy, your forgiveness and your love. :)
Doing all tigs thru you.
Leaning on you.
Only for you.
Strength for each day.
Hope for each day.
They are new every morning.
New every morning.
I just want to be where you are.
Dwelling in your prescene.
No where else, but with you. :)

2010-07-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

new goals to chase after.

really enjoyed dinnertime with vc. we went nostalgic. time flies doesnt it?

in the midst of sharing our highest and lowest moments in life, i got to know myself a little better. a little better, just enough to know what i had always wanted to do in life. it comforted to me to know that i am on track still. some what, at least not totally deviated.

i shared with her my 2 regrets and biggest what if.

regret 1: not studying english literature in uni
regret 2: not studying chinese language in uni

what if: i went to JC

life wld have taken a different turn, i wld be a different sarah. a sarah who went to ACJC to study arts - mugging for english literature, chinese, biology, history and general paper. those were my ideal subject combis. no math! i wld die. i did consult the JC, the only thing they told me was this --> you will have no life in JC coz bio, history and literature are the 3 heaviest subject to study (in terms of memorising, reading and writing) hahaha. but it wld be a joy for me. i wld be intrigued daily by new discoveries. my mind would be stretched to unimaginable length and depth. i wld be a different sarah. a sarah would have then proceeded to nus, depending on which is my greater love at that point in time, taking up either english literature or a chinese degree. if this was the route i took, i wld be 23 years old now, with a nus degree, a full academic life behind me and raring to go. to be either a writer, journalist or a teacher.

isnt life interesting?

despite having taken a great different route by going to TP, studying hospitality, working in the events industry, at the end of the day, i am standing here, 23 years old now, with a murdoch degree, a fun academic life behind me and raring so much to venture out of my current job, to be either a writer, journalist or a teacher.

life, so amusing, right?

i guess at the end of the day, it doesnt really matter which route we take, because we are all operating like a road tracking system. our final destination has long been mapped out for us, and we move like a little red dot, whether we make a right or wrong turn, God will direct us back to where He had orignally planned for us to end up at. We may go through unnecessary and painful detours when we work on rebellion or make a mistake of our calling, but eventually no matter how long and windy the road may be, or how smooth-sailing and uneventful our life may be, we will all end up where we are meant to be...

life, hate it or love it.

as much as we say we have a choice, sometimes, we just dont...we just got to live each day as it comes...knowing at the end of it all, we just need to keep that balance of contentment. hope, yet not be clipped, trust, yet not be crippled, faith, yet not be scared.

and the greatest of this is love, love life, the good, the bad and the ugly. the what-ifs, the regrets, everything. because you know why? just live and do what you feel you shld do, live life to the fullest, try and try again, die hard, love till it hurts, cry till your eyes turn sore, laugh till lines come out and experiment till you are truly satisfied with the outcome of your life, because end of it all our destination is all the same, right back to Him.

2010-07-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

death can be experienced in different forms.

whether it is the death of a loved one, death of a dream, death of soul, death of relationship...whatever it is, death is permanent, irreversible, forever...sometimes, eternal.

i never tasted death much before.

but in 30 days, i experienced death in 2 forms, a loved one and a dream.

God didnt turn the 0.1% around. God didnt perform the miracle.

In this case, He didnt work for me...

at least not in the way my heart yearns and prayed so deeply for...He didnt.

im still sore, disappointed. Overwhelmed...outsiders wont understand the harshness of death. Its permanent effect...too and so heavy to carry. i just want to break.

im visionless.

man without vision will perish.

im perishing.

i wonder if im dying, thats why i cant see over today. i dont see tmr. tmr is bleak. i dont have any wild dreams anything i want to pursue, coz i cant see anything. there is no direction. im loss in the desert, with my path drawn on sand washed flat by a windstorm..my life, it is just empty. my future is just clear, white, nothing.

He didnt heal my aunt...why?

I dont understand...why didnt He heal her...

I will never understand...

why prayers go unanswered...for reasons i dont understand now...

why did He answer some, givng hope, alas false, and not answer the subsequent ones that are powered by the hope brought forth from previously answered prayers?

i rly have no hope, no faith, just empty. nothing. i try to pray but i pause...He let my aunt die...He didnt heal her, wht about His promises?...where is His power to heal? to turn things around?

He didnt.

I didnt pray thereafter...

I dont dare to hope anymore...

my faith leaks...till it is empty. it is no more...no more...

2010-07-12T09:23:00.001-07:00

its been a long time since i last blogged, and the period from then till now seems like a space of a million years of emotions.

time crawled by, and with each second etching forward leaving a deep scratch across my heart, mind and soul.

i will never be the same.

as a christian, i believe every moment and incident to be orchestrated from above either as a test, blessing or mere chance occurence whereby I can demostrate free-will and reign in directing where my life will head.

on 20-smtg june, i chose to go heads-on, one more shot, one last chance, cool & calm. i went thru, blessedly. 99.9% in.

by the 1st week of july i was a wreck.

today, im numb, drained and emotionless. i long so much to declare faith, but it has been completely drained. hope vanished. leaving on acid burn traces of dreams in my mind that still scares me at the very concious thought of its existence. i try to mask it. distractions. time-fillers. other options.

but fact remains, im scarred. and scared of dreaming...y?

'cause hope deferred makes the heart sick...

i would love to proclaim faith, shout into infinity...but yearning for 2 weeks have left me...paperthin.

you can see me thru and thru. nothing. emptied.

i want to believe that God can twist that 0.1% around.

but 2 weeks now...frail. the only thing left is my trust in Him...that He has the best plans for me, of me and of my talents.

He knows my heart's desires...

it is written, plain...

now i yearn so much for an answered prayer...

for, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life...

2010-06-27T18:49:00.000-07:00

i didnt think that i would miss my aunty so much.

the busy week of reiw asia left me with little time to think or deal with the loss, but with everything settled, i realise that she is gone for good.

i miss her warm smile, her enthusiasim, her love for us, her laughter.

i wanted to play some angrybrid on my sister's itouch, but upon seeing the wallpaper of my aunty posing a picture with us on one of our morning walk on the henderson wave, my heart broke. she was so chirpy, so happy, so alive. i miss her, i put the itouch down.

i was thinking if she was still ard, i wld spent this off day at her place, caring for her, being with my cousins, and hang out in her home where it is always cosy and welcoming...but alas i cant now...

i miss her, and miss her dearly.

for the past few months, i knew when people ask me how she was, the correct answer i should give was...she was d.ing...but i could never bring myself to admit that, or to say that D word...i wld always look at them, smile and say she is ok, and i hope she will recover soon...but now, she is really gone...and i still cant bring myself to say she is d..d...it is just such a censored word...the D word...it grounds reality further, and it stabs my heart to say or even think that she is d...

my aunty was one that was most alive and optimistic...and i believe she still is at that moment when she was 61years, and 1 month shy...n i hope a full life she lived...

i thank God for her salvation, and i pray she is in the embrace of Daddy above...please hold her tight...

2010-06-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/Brand0lee

go bran!! :)

2010-06-19T04:22:00.001-07:00

spirit and flesh.

God our creator, lovingly made us, personalised us to be uniquely beautiful, talented in our own ways, and He will never ever let us go. Not even when our flesh expires and retires to dust, for when that happens, our spirit will soar into the heavens, to be with Him, the Alpha and the Omega.

i grieved. but soon i felt a peace.

i experienced how fleeting life is. the urgency of making the best use of every second we have to live and breathe. and with this one life i have, i want to live it for Jesus.

and come that day, i will eventually meet Taiee in heaven, where we can bask in the glory of the Lord while walking on the streets of gold. i love her, and love her indeed, a heart of gold, a precious gem. "remember, i love you." she said and gave me a hug. i will always remember.

2010-06-13T03:53:00.000-07:00

bran wrote a nice song called stronger.

here's sharing with you all the lyrics:

1st Verse
The heavens is falling down on me, tonight
Its crashing down on me, won't fight it off
Your glory come brace up all my inferiority
Wash away iniquity, give me back my dignity

Pre Chorus
Don't care what they say, they're not me anyway
Don't care what they see, they're not you by the way..
We'll stay…
ChorusThrough the test of time, heaven and earth will fade
In the midst of fire, i will not be afraid
Every step i take, lord you move the wave,
God in my weakness you're growing stronger

When i'm weak you're stronger
Stronger for me
I'm not alone, am not alone..

2nd Verse
As morning breaks, it's time for me to face my fights,
Marching like a soldier for your heart
Your grace your love sufficient for all eternity,
Taking me to places no one's been

Pre Chorus
Don't care what they say, they're not me anyway
Don't care what they see, they're not you by the way..
We'll stay…

Chorus
Through the test of time, heaven and earth will fade
In the midst of fire, i will not be afraid
Every step i take, lord you move the wave,
God in my weakness you're growing stronger

When i'm weak you're stronger
Stronger for me
I'm not alone, am not alone..

i do hope pastor kong will emerge from this whole saga soon. not only emerge but emerge victoriously. the timing is too uncanny, for it to happen after the church hits an all-time high at AC, to only be the receiver of such news. deep inside i believe, and i know this necessary in His time, for us to emerge as a church to another level. To breakthrough this present ceiling, and to reach a new height. for His glory.

im not brainwashed my dear, if you are wondering.

im more cynical and skeptical than any other ordinary member. i cannot guarantee that pastor kong is a 100% innocent, but i trust in the God that is in His heart. Like ARB said, trust in God and in God that is in the heart of our leaders. This is a time of shaking, so that what can be shaken, will be shaken out, and what cannot be shaken out, will get stronger.

with all my heart, i believe, we will get stronger.

And, i really pray that our core pastors will emerge victorious. it saddens me to see the dip in atmosphere and attendance in the church. but like rice grains, we go through the threshing, before we get the true harvest. and the true harvest will prevail.

if mistakes are really made, it will be forgiven. a chance to try again, and to believe in the better of the person. to believe in the God that is His heart.

sometimes, it is just that simple and straightforward. if you just believe with your heart, and trust that He will make everything beautiful in His time.

2010-06-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

with faith comes hope.

the church hasnt been going thru a good time, and i do feel the burden in my heart. be it the outcome, my loyalty stays.

2010-06-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

At 610am, a different demographic of citizens roam the streets. Mostly silver hair whose efforts are least recognised and commended for by the people they serve, be it their family, workplace, or the society as a whole...

2010-06-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Smtg abt my chee cheong fun attracts her to my table. The moment I place a piece in my mouth, she appears!

I'm squeezed left right center.

I sat at my table, wanting to cry, but too busy to cry. I can only lauah at myself.

Hahaha. How hilarious how riduculous my life is. Hahaha.

2010-06-08T05:32:00.000-07:00

I'm totally absolutely positively exhuasted.

Spilled out my brain juices over how to shift (sorry these are high searched names, so I need to type it out in shortform), marklan from tune into a interview session, and fit expedia into the prgram, aft I've given up their slot to wego, and now trying to convince expedia to take an interviewee role. And having to worry abt the other holes tht I need to fill. Thank God, I amd really thankful for my china speakers tho. They all absolutely fell from the sky! Tfang, jzong, chan(esply!!!) and glarrive, omg, I really am so so blessed to have filled my china panel! Phew. So, as it has been, my day two is much prettier than day one. So day one, ganbatte neh!!! 4 more days to actual print. FC submitted, just pray tht more speakers will fall from the sky!!

Suppose to work on my (crazy) 9 housekeeping notes and my conference proceedings, but I have no more concentration power left. surfed some high-speed net and left. Feeling dizzy and numb from the continous workload.

Thrs nothing very insightful here now, coz I'm just rambling. I'm tired ok? No time to time, ponder, n wonder! No time to admire the flowers on green pastures, or stars in the midnight sky ok?

bah. N I'm typing everytig while on nel from hrbrfrnt to serg too ok? So no perfect sentence, spelling and hardly ever perfect grammar k!

Ok, gala dinner tmr, at least I get to be w cloudy. Juicy is in kazhak hope all is well for her. Will break her news of the rise of the evil, departure of the 3 saints at work when she is bck.

Till, I'm gg home for a bowl of campbell soup, and hope to sleep my 10pm!

Bran is out on battlefields, sounds so dear john right? Hahaha. But one tig I gotta say, I started the moon tig with branbran before dear john did k! Haha. Don't blif me, see my archives, I have always been mysteriously attracted to the quietness of the moon.

Ok, enough writing, whether proper or not, it still ok?

Once the brochure gets printed, my portfolio will be completed, then off it will go into the email of the one person I so admire in sph - sumiko. Can u blif it?? If I ever get to work for n with her, it will cause everything - really a lot of tigs, to make sense!!!!!! Tht it is all in God's wondrous plan.

2010-06-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

i dont want to write cryptically anymore. coz ten yrs down the road, i wont even know wht im writing abt and tht wld make blogging pointless!

ok, so im prepping my portfolio for (im so tempted to just write ***) but ok, bad habit, so *** is sph. :) im excited, really! hahaha. my conference program comes in handy. need to brush it, for the better of my future! coz as you can tell, i have a relatively low sense of responsibility. just a tender conscience that keeps me gg, and doing good.

work hasnt been all pleasant. i have been squeezed to the maximum, operations, conference production, designing and the misc. girl. bleargh. enough is enough. i must must must be careful what i pray for! poppy is indeed nothing but poppycock! lies lies lies and more lies! words mean nothing to me, prove your sincerity through action!

so anyway, i hope to soon bid farewell, and say my goodbyes for greener pastures, better pay and good leadership and mentors. :)

my room is still in a mess, still suffering the aftermath of AC. packs of food on my table, notebooks on my chair, water bottles lying ard. i dont have tym at all to do packing! everyday i hope to come back early, but every night i end up working late, trying to invite more speakers, send more emails, call more people and help my beloveds whenever i can. it is sad when i can only clock home at 10pm on early nights, and 1am on late nights. only to wake up at 8am in the morning, groggy, and catching the 845am crowded bus, running to get my paper before it runs out, stand on the train hoping desperately to get a seat, and reaching office at 920am daily.

life, i am thinking about life so much, i hate it! i dont want to be tiking like a freaking old man. i know what i want in life!

i only have limited time on hand, and in this limited tym i want to accumulate as much wealth as i possibly (and supernaturally possibly) can to benefit and help others who need it more than i do.

then i hope to retire and stay home, and do something homely, like playing the piano, making dresses, sewing, or simply writing for the joy of forming lyrical sentences.

anyway, i have a very bad thot. i feel like abandoning my blackberry for an iphone! eeeps!

i know, im so sorry bb (i din even name my phone!). i got you for all the wrong reasons, and i guess it is not meant to be. i will soon have to part with you. but till then, i still love you, somewhat.

ok, gss is now on, but i havent got anything at all! i need a new big brown bag! :)

cant wait for june to be over. marcie and paraty, i am comingggg for you!!

(i have neglected leighton my piano. been 4 months and counting since i last touched his beautiful keys. i miss him, much. really. but im just too scared to go near it. part phobia, and part afraid it might become a fact for sure, i have lost all the effort put in, that i cant play anymore...)

2010-06-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

i always enjoy reading my post from 06/07. those were the days i blogged fervently. and it is silly to read about some of my antics then, and heartwarming to know that God has seen me thru it all, and nv once judged me for anythig that i have done.

anyway we just had an amazing AC, and the most heartwarming thing is having my mummy queue with early in morning at 5am. thats how amazing and on-fire my mum is,and im so proud of her :) really pray that God will prosper her :) i love my mummy! and now she is drifting to sleep with the church's cd on play...it creates a warm fuzzy feeling in me :) i like. hee.

off to call bran :) our daily night time ritual.

love, sweet sweet love.

2010-05-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

A hopeful writer should write at least 2000 words a day. (Or is it a week), according to nicholas sparks, though not the best, but nonetheless successful.

Every night when I get home, I imagine myself taking out my laptop and tapping words that will form perfectly flowing sentences, which would at the end of it, construct into either an article, or a story (but fat hope).

I would love to be like carrie, free living, writing about her lifestyle. But in reality, how many sumiko tans can singapore have? And, is there a market for singaporean writers out there?

Sometimes, reality sets us back, but it is up to us to decide if we want to fight it back.

I'm now on the train, thinking, imagining, trying to form fragments of a scene, a possible whiff of a juicy plot, or maybe form the next it character, like harry potter! Hey, he was birthed in jk rowlings mind while she was on the subway on her way back home k. ;)

2010-05-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

it is getting too hard not to admit that escapism has been the central theme of my life.

it hit me just as i was walking back home from the bus-stop. and it shook me.

i have learnt many different skills and languages in my life but only to quit when it just gets too hard, or when it takes too much effort or what i like to call a "natural talent" in it. i will simply quit and dismiss it as yet another mis-match in my life, and move on to something that captures my interest. it scares me that coming may 10, i will be repeating this cycle all over again with a new course to pick a new skill that i was so hopeful that i will be good at, but now so fearful that i will give up only months later to have it being left in my room rusting and reminding me of yet another thing that i have given up on.

my piano, my guitar, my painting brushes from primary school, the language books, everything that has been accumulated over the years, once seen as added display items, now haunts me. it scares me to see my guitar, i pretend it is not there. (i hid it behind my strawberry chair and to the back of my memory.) but, it is there, and we all know it.

i took up a new role at work, elated. not only becoz of the prospects it brings, but majorly becoz i felt like i have escaped the cycle of going for interviews and being rejected, and rejected once again, and having to worry about my skin time and time again. i felt i broke free there and then. and i was so happy.

but escapism has chasen up with me once again. i cant deal with this new role now. and going back to interviews after interviews seems like the obvious career move for me to make. but to plainly put it, it is my escape route, nothing else.

it is so funny how my plan A gets abandoned for a plan B, and returns back being called an escape route, when that was what i have originally and solely set my heart out for to do and to acheive, but alas only to quit for smtg more reachable in sight.

ive been living a life of escapism. im so fearful of my present situation to a point that i even googled: how to be a writer in singapore.

can you believe it?

and yes, you guessed it right. im escaping as i type this out. im escaping from facing the fact that i have to deal with what i am feeling now. instead choosing to type it all out, hoping that it stalls the moment, and hoping that when i type the final full-stop of this post, a relevation would hit me.

when will escapism stop?

what caused me to be this way?

this fear grips onto me. it cripples, leaving me paralysed from moving forward, pressing on for a real breakthrough.

it only leaves me turning to an easier way out. the complete u-turn to start at beginners at something new.

thats it, im on my final paragraph. and as i re-read my entire post, i realise that im fear-living, not faith-living. i submit, not conquer.

this is so not a life that shouts His fame.

damn it, i need to get a life. for real. real living. faith living.

(Thank you dear Lord, you did give me a revelation as i made my last full-stop.) :)

2010-04-26T07:48:00.000-07:00

stress starts when i have expectations to meet. because i have never been very good with meeting them.

i work best under zero expectations from myself, and from the others.

one good example would be, my studies. i scored during o lvls under zero stress to score at all. to my parents, i was destined for poly. to myself, jc was second chance. i expected 17 or 18 points. i got my 12.

it was a surprise.

now, pls remove all expectations you have of me. whatever will be, will be.

sometimes, the best thing to do, is to just enjoy what you are doing at your own pace and time. when the time for testing comes, who knows, you might just score.

best wishes. :)

2010-04-18T06:17:00.001-07:00

im here to bring good report! :)

2010 is really the year of better change.

good news from my family members, and good news from my friends.

life - dont cast a dark cloud over it. learn to breathe easy, kan kai yi dian, rid the formalities that rule your life so strictly. burst out of your restrictions, have a little fun and live your life, while you're alive u know, coz too late will really be too late. :)

loves.

2010-03-03T02:57:00.000-08:00

Too many changes have been taking place in my life.

Some brings smiles, some tears...some breakthroughs and some challenges to bring victory to.

Im fighting each day to be better, and i believe it will be.

2010 will be the best year yet.

Be wise, not wistful like a child. *repeats mantra to self*

2010-02-24T16:58:00.000-08:00

Sarah from rumor has it said she got to stop chasing for ghost.

Extracting from the movie's context, chasing for ghost there, would be similar to us, chasing an illusion.

It woke me up.

There is a time to be contented, to feel blessed and treasure the (althought at times dull) constants in life.

Escapcism mindset has to stop at some point...

Fun is important...

But there's got to be more.

Don't end up grasping for wind...

Wake up and smell the flowers. :)

2010-02-20T06:31:00.000-08:00

When will this stop...sigh. Thts y my greatest lesson learnt is to be careful what you wish for...

Another change...pfft.

2010-02-19T09:33:00.001-08:00

Stop change. Enough.

2010-02-10T09:26:00.000-08:00

i cant sleep.

dark circles are forming around my eyes and this is the first time it is happening. queer, to me at least. ive been blessed with nice eyes... :)

was on fb. a rare occasion. just for ally to give her the precious 2 pictures that will motivate both me and her, for various reasons, and none relating directly to the picture subject.

i feel disillusioned about the world. somehow i see things very very differently from others, and i behave differently. but sometimes i feel in sync. i guess i dont really like myself much, im really such a bore.

at the end of the day, i only have my dreams, my faith...things that i cannot liquify now. it is airy...people dont get it. it is eternal...

people in the world are brave, really. how do u get tgt, and break up, move on and do the cycle over and over again? how do they do those wild nights....i dont know...

curiousity does get to me wanting to know what it is like to live that kind of life..but today i realise, with the choice, i would not choose to even go for it...it is just not me...not who i am....

im in the chase for something more, in the wait for something substantial. juicy...

fleeting moments, adrenaline rushes, but just simple fun...nothing sinful...

i dont know...

2010-02-09T16:36:00.000-08:00

According to a us survey, kids age 8 to 18 r the couch potato gen, they spend up to 7.5 hrs a days using phones, computers and video game systems.

In the past decade, music listening has increased the most, up nearly an hour per day. The only leisure activity tht has become less popular is reading. Sigh, my supposed future dteam bread n butter.

Pffty, at least this means he will definitely b earning more, hopefully.

Guess then tht mks it even out.

2010-02-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

I read a phrase in the great gatsby and it never quite left my thoughts, he said, there is only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.

Books are such strong thought influencers, I can't help but wish one day I will be able to make such an influence as well.

I completed twenties girl two days back, but until now I still tik abt lara and I ask God if such a person like sadie lancaster ever existed and if so, whether she got her happy ending even if it is after-life.

2010-01-29T01:19:00.000-08:00

hope seeps into my heart silently when i least expect it to. when i step forward with a pure heart. not resignation to fate, but acceptance. not pinning, but having faith. it makes a whole world of a difference. and now i am at peace.

*zen out.

2010-01-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

I didn't know how far a fantasy is until I attempt to reach out for it. The realist side of me is calling me ridiculous. The dreamer in me is trying very hard to keep me dreaming.

So easily a dream deflates, no wonder adults are such grounded people.

But with God I believe...young man shall see visions and old man shall dream dreams.

Its only a matter of how wide your imagination is, and how gutsy you are to go on the ride.

2010-01-25T02:47:00.000-08:00

The evil of this world lurks around every corner. Be careful where u step, and where u stay, coz if u don't find them, they will find u! Pick the right battles to fight!

2010-01-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

Change number one has taken place. I'm officially out of attributes :) its not all that bad lah, just not suited for me. Haha. Had to do closing on my last day of serving, and well, it wasn't all that hard actually. :) oh, and I served belinda and saw allan moo again :) haha.

Attending jap class now. How I wish life cld involve just attending classes that I fancy.

Alright, gtg now. Signing off - sarah, jack of all trades, master of none, yet. ;)

2010-01-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

I really love my blackberry. Until now I'm still truly amazed at how long I've managed to stick to using my hello kitty phones. How did I survive without a camera, wihtout internet access, without my emails, without games app, without clear sound and without a proper qwerty keypad!

But ok, I'm no geek, so wht I use on bb is the basic. I nv explored further than wht my daily usage requires me to.

I'm on my way to attributes now. And I will be leaving today (hopefully).

I feel like I have arrived at a season of change in my life.

Everything has been progressive for the past 2 yrs, but not awe-inspiring. It is a miracle, but not a dream. I am very thankful, but I noe that I am not there yet, not where I shld be.

There is a time and season for everything, and tdy would be the time, I guess.

Maybe I'm wistful.

But I'm only 22 once, and let me not regret a year. Or waste a year.

I'm young, and the world ought to my playground.

I don't want to be stuck or feel compelled to do anything I don't want or don't enjoy doing.

Watch me this year, my adventure.

2010-01-22T05:46:00.000-08:00

There is a difference between chasing after a dream, and chasing a fantasy.

One is a hope for a better reality that will benefit others as well, when come to pass, it is a much celebrated and joyous occasion that will draw people's blessing.

The other is a wish to live a ficticious life that will make you more happy than anyone else would be, and at that moment make u feel like the luckiest person earth.

Everything is momentary. Life, time, it is all fleeting.

How do u want to live very much depends solely on you.

I realise I want to live a dream, but my mind heart is tangled in wanting to live a fantasy.

Will u be selfless or selfish. Do u want to draw admiration, or envy from others?

What is ur purpose, coz it will ultimately define your every move.

One life, be a legend, a testimony, a person who will be immortalised in the frames of beautiful words for many generations to come.

2010-01-20T03:51:00.000-08:00

Its scary knowing that every decision we make now, every step we take now, will map out our future.

I would hate to be the one who fails even when I hold in my hands the manual to living out the best of life.

What if even when equipped with all the wisest counsel and advices, we still fail?

whether it is because we don't take the chance, we failed to believe or we just did not dare to walk away...

These actions, will create dire effect to what our future may be.

will you be the mediocre, the success, or the comeback kid.

I wish we all have more guts n courage, more than anything else, have love for life to want to live the best of it.

2010-01-18T09:11:00.001-08:00

sometimes, i feel so detached from the world. like i am not a part of it.

sometimes, You seem so distanced, that i start to wonder, is it all worth while.

sometimes, everything seem so far away, i feel like an alien, standing out.

sometimes, it all just cannot sync, and i am afraid what if one day everything is just a false.

somedays, i feel like i am not dreaming enough.

somedays, i feel like i failed my dreams.

somedays, i feel like i need to be living my dreams.

somedays, my dreams just seem stupid.

am i not a typical girl.

i am foreign to a lifestyle of partying. foreign to drinks, clubs and worldly norms. to people, my life is not happening. it is sanctified living.

what does it mean to be a follower of You.

i feel detached. and You are all i have.

i feel lost. and You are all i have.

why does being relevant to You, make me irrelevant to the world.

i want to be relevant both ways. coz i will be lost without You.

2009-12-21T21:18:00.000-08:00

First blog post from my bb!

So holidays begun for me last friday, and ever since then I have turned nocturnal. It is rly easy to become a sleep deprived teen. Haha.

Been bumming out at home, watching all the telly tht I hvnt been able to indulge in when uni started.

Finally got down to watching one tree hill. And it is fab. I just can't resist nt gg onto wiki to find out wht happens! Shucks. Ok, I did, I read tht lucas n peyton gets married (yay!), but I'm glad I din read further, rly don't wanna spoil the series.

I'm following my first drama serial in yrs as well! ;) the easterly showers smtg. Haha. I love sheh she mun. :D

Ok, but one tig tht I can't bear to watch is bu liang xiao hua :( as much as I wanna see pwb, it kinda will kill me to watch him fall for another girl :( I'm crazy I know.

But only for pwb. Haha.

Ok, merry christmas still! A couple more pressies to get! Whee~

2009-12-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

i was late for work today! so was juicy. and cloudy woke up late too. haha. we concluded that it must have been mellben's crab bee hoon soup...it must be drugged! :p

anys, i did some christmas shopping for my colleagues tdy...hopefully all intentions will be received. bought indivduals ones for sue, fay, miss ginger and miss poppy...guess it is coz im slightly closer to them...and they made a greater impact in my life...

havent bought anything for elyane, eyme and juicy. how now brown cow... i hope elle will like the stickers i bought her :)

lets spread the christmas' spirit of giving! afterall, we give because we first recieved His love, and giving is a form of spreading His love to the people around us :)

i love it when people feel loved, because that ought to be how everyone should feel. i absolutely always feel loved by You - my Jesus, and you - my bran, and you all my friends :)

2009-12-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

hello blog, im back to faithful updating. inspired by Harvey wee. :)

I have finally completed my degree in mass communications with double majors in public relations and journalism. many have asked if i will be moving on to a different field to explore different options...

before today, i would give a definite yes. but after today, i wonder if it is best i set my heart to enjoy the fruits of my labour & prayers. i will be officially promoted nxt yr. i received the good news with a bunch of mixed feeling. it was without esctasy instead a weird queasy feeling settled over me...

i could hardly smile when miss poppy broke the news to me. i was hardly able to demostrate any form of delight when she gave me feedbacks that could not be any better. i feel like im an ingrate.

my heart has wandered back to some place i once passed for the sake of getting my degree. two failed attempts will not stop me yet, but will certainly put me back to diet of no peanuts, no fried food, no oily stuff and no chocolates, strictly. it is frustrating mending one hole, while another pops up. when can i clear this skin of mine?!

back to miss poppy. she was once someone i really looked up to. but now, im confused. i dread returning back to writing on my diary about how afraid i am of her...i dont want history to repeat itself.

arrangements for next year certainly looks good and it is all that i can ever ask for in trrpnn, but rly, is this what i want...?

what about my dream of becoming a writer, a columnist...what about those fantasies of becoming a wedding planner or soaring the skies? is this my destiny?

i really wonder, what will happen.

is it true that que sera sera, what will be will be...

2009-10-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

i want more sayang sayang! >_< why must it come to an end!